Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Family Origins

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race start?"

The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."



Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."





The confused girl returned to her mother and said: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

How Old Is Grandpa?

I bought my first car in 1968 for $30, a 1954 Cadillac Coupe de Ville 2 door hardtop! This was one beautiful car from a bygone era when cars had class, style and prominence, a time we will never see again in the American car industry! My Dad helped me to do a “head-job” on only one side of the OHV V-8 engine for less than $15; I bought four retread tires for $48, and it was ready to go! My high school buddies called it the Sherman Tank which we used to go across town to the other high school to play tennis! Here in Italy they import such a car to use as a type of limousine for newly weds! After four years I sold my Cadillac for $30. Two weeks later I found my poor Cadillac sunk into the sands of the Mojave desert striped of it’s doors; the crazy guy to whom I sold it thought he could convert such a heavy car into a dune-buggy!





Most of us consider ourselves young even if we are getting up there in years. This year (2010) I will finish 59 years of life. It is utterly astounding, or should I say, scary, what has happened in such a short time!

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How Old Is Grandpa?

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and things in general.

The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. There was no television in our house; penicillin, polio shots, air conditioners and frozen foods were some kind of new inventions.

Man had not invented:
pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air; man hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . Then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir." We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.




We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee was unheard of. We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . .. But who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap...

And how old do you think I am? I bet you have this old man in mind... you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time...




Are you ready?

This man would only have to be 59 years old!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods.


'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.


He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.



He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.


He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.


He tripped & fell on the ground.


He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.




At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'


Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.


As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.


'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit
creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'


'Very Well,' said the voice.


The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:




'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

Monday, December 1, 2008

A Loving Husband!

A Loving Husband!





A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”

The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Word "UP"!

If you would like to read other articles by Rev. Joseph Dwight, click on his photo and choose the topic you are interested in. If you would like a good monthly meditation in MS Power Point Slide Show format with nice music and images in the background, choose the topic title “Spiritual Food” (or go directly to: http://spir-food.blogspot.com/) and then choose “The Importance of a Meditation!”
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The Word "UP"!

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends - and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is plugged UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. You know, it seems we are a little mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost a quarter of the page and can add UP to about 30 definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so ... time for me to shut UP!


(Dan’s Slice of Wry (Sun Telegram; Sept 7, 2005))